No tinsle no treats no just a lonely Grinch
I'm about this close to give up Christmas. This whole month I have lost that feeling. I can't find my Christmas spirit and I don't know. Maybe its fear, guilt, sadness, regret, just everything. I'm scared because of Italy. I'm scared to go. I'm afraid of what could happen or what won't happen. I don't want it to be a waste of my parents' money. I want to be left alone though. I don't want my friends to hang on me and not let me enjoy. I want to enjoy but with who I'm going with, I don't think that is frickin' impossible for them to let me enjoy myself. I am also afraid of mostly the plane flight. Thanks to some friends who scared the shit out of me, I am scared a little to go to the airport there due to machiene guns. Being a war brat, I think I would get used to military and guns and junk but I'm not. I wasn't really exposed to them.
I'm sad because of this snow. I want to fulfill the Christmas tradition but I don't know if I can. I also want to help. I feel like a weak version of Mulan. I am the only daughter who is taking her father's role to bring family honor, but I can't. I'm not strong enough. I tried to do the driveway today and I passed out while doing it and then passed out in the house for a little bit. I hate how my body treats me sometimes.
And everything is my fault. The reason we don't have much money is always because of me. My pastor reassured me it wasn't but I know it is. My pastor is my mentor. I don't care how many who ready this hate Christianity, I will admit I hate parts and points of it and my school helps me see those things I don't like but my church is different. My church is better about things than most. We aren't catholic or prebyterian or anything mainstream, we are we. we are who we want to be. Many of my friends and classmates turn away when I mention it because females have a role in our church, we are multiracial and we allow gay people in our church as members. "But thats against the rules." So what asshole! Who gives a damn anymore about the rules within the Bible.

Okay so I went off topic. I don't want to give up on Christmas. I need an angel. I need the one from Its a Wonderful Life with Jimmy. But not an old angel, a cute one ^_~*. I think I'm going to go watch Ghost in the Shell. Or read. Reading sounds good.

Don't worry I'll stop complaining soon.