| No tinsle no treats no just a lonely Grinch |
[Dec. 24th, 2004|12:04 am] |
I'm about this close to give up Christmas. This whole month I have lost that feeling. I can't find my Christmas spirit and I don't know. Maybe its fear, guilt, sadness, regret, just everything. I'm scared because of Italy. I'm scared to go. I'm afraid of what could happen or what won't happen. I don't want it to be a waste of my parents' money. I want to be left alone though. I don't want my friends to hang on me and not let me enjoy. I want to enjoy but with who I'm going with, I don't think that is frickin' impossible for them to let me enjoy myself. I am also afraid of mostly the plane flight. Thanks to some friends who scared the shit out of me, I am scared a little to go to the airport there due to machiene guns. Being a war brat, I think I would get used to military and guns and junk but I'm not. I wasn't really exposed to them.
I'm sad because of this snow. I want to fulfill the Christmas tradition but I don't know if I can. I also want to help. I feel like a weak version of Mulan. I am the only daughter who is taking her father's role to bring family honor, but I can't. I'm not strong enough. I tried to do the driveway today and I passed out while doing it and then passed out in the house for a little bit. I hate how my body treats me sometimes.
And everything is my fault. The reason we don't have much money is always because of me. My pastor reassured me it wasn't but I know it is. My pastor is my mentor. I don't care how many who ready this hate Christianity, I will admit I hate parts and points of it and my school helps me see those things I don't like but my church is different. My church is better about things than most. We aren't catholic or prebyterian or anything mainstream, we are we. we are who we want to be. Many of my friends and classmates turn away when I mention it because females have a role in our church, we are multiracial and we allow gay people in our church as members. "But thats against the rules." So what asshole! Who gives a damn anymore about the rules within the Bible.
Okay so I went off topic. I don't want to give up on Christmas. I need an angel. I need the one from Its a Wonderful Life with Jimmy. But not an old angel, a cute one ^_~*. I think I'm going to go watch Ghost in the Shell. Or read. Reading sounds good.
Don't worry I'll stop complaining soon. |
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| Magical Changing Mutation! Elegance Divine Angelic Wings Change! |
[Dec. 23rd, 2004|11:59 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | One for All and All For One- Hello Project | ] |
I want to change so much but I'm the only one never given that chance. Yet everytime I try I can't. I mean if I compare myself to like eigth grade I have changed so much. Not mentally or physically but emotionally. I want to be something stronger and someone who can take and act more like who they are than they appear. But I can't. My friends are holding me back like chains sometimes. But without them I realise I would go insane.
I have a mind condition. Its a little strange. Its a mix between scitzo and psycho. I hear and see things that are not there. I imagine things and see things that never existed. De ja vu everywhere. Its part of the reason for my psycho dreams and for why I talk in my sleep. It torments me. Just like my classmates.
I want help I really do. But everytime I try to back away I go back because no matter how much it hurts, I actually like it. Its weird. I'm afraid one day I will end up in a white padded cell and wearing a nice new strait jacket. |
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| You can learn anything, oh no I'm turning into an after school special |
[Dec. 22nd, 2004|11:32 pm] |
I have learned that when Cincinnati kids are stuck in snow days we stay up way late. Okay its late maybe just for me at the moment. I have seen pure chaos on my street. Though I think the sleet stuff parading down is melting some of the snow along with the salt I laid down. |
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| Realization |
[Dec. 22nd, 2004|09:47 pm] |
I just realised that I need to kick myself
I found something out and I want to do something. I want to run to that person and talk to them but I can't.
They are freakishily like me to a degree and do things I want to do. But they are so more exertive.
I am stuck in my head and I can't get out. They seem to get out quite fine. They are not like any other person I have ever met. But I'm stuck. I am stuck trying to get out of my ear.
Well I'll tell them here. Sorry. |
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| Let is Snow some more and then we'll see what I'll do next |
[Dec. 22nd, 2004|09:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Shadowlands from Lion King musical | ] |
It has been snowing like psycho. I shoveled twice and my back is killing me. I think the heater isn't working either. It is freezing in here. Either that or shoveling without a jacket can do that to you. My family is practically snowed in. I would love to get out and go to movies or just go out and do something. I sort of have been taking care of my dad.
I made cookies today too since I was bored snotless. Watched Holes on TV again.
I don't think I'll be able to get the Chinese dinner tradition for my dad and family since the snow is continuing on. My street never gets plowed and it pisses me so much. I mean why the hell can't they just do it but no we are the last because we suck. I can see salt men looking at out street and just driving past because they think no one lives here. I can't leave and I can't get the dinner. I hate this. I feel like everything is messed up for Christmas. The spirit is gone. I really want to start singing the song from the Grinch which is really sad but I want to. It is totally gone and missing. Just everything has done it.
I should probably start reading. I have a load of books to get to before I leave and before school starts. School books seem to be oh so boring. Huck Finn was alright. |
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